B.O. Takes over the airwaves

From our correspondent, Nelson J. Fentwanger:

It started out like any other Wednesday evening at the Fentwanger homestead, Lester, my cat, sat looking out the window, Ralph Alford, my Jack Poogle, was gnawing on his favorite chewtoy, and I was watching The Fly Fishing Channel. I had a cup of coffee and my book of Jumbles and we were all getting ready for the kind of evening of excitement that only a 67 year old Marine and his two pets can truly enjoy. It was a nice early spring evening too and I also had a seed catalogue to paw through during the commercials. Suddenly the tv screen went black and I thought, oh jeez, it's too windy for the damn satellite dish, again. I tried switching channels and they were all dark. Well, O.K., I'll just drink my coffee and do some jumbles. And then wham there was something on the tv. It was the President and he said:
Sorry folks for interrupting the Saul Alinsky Poetry Slam but you know it's our weekly fund drive and we've got some special free gifts this week...
What in the blazes is this? I start pushing the remote and every single channel had the same dopey image of the President in a straw boater wearing a red and white striped vest and a blue bowtie with tiny white starts on it. Damn, I just wanted to watch my favorite fly fishing show....
As you know folks we're fighting a dangerous battle against global warming so new this week we have some hybrid vans randomly placed in every state and when you call us up and tell us about a neighbor who's wasting energy, we'll send that van full of G-3s to camp out in your neighbors yard and harass their pets AND we'll shut off their electricity with our union electricians. Think about it! Now back to fundraising. As you know, the government is a little short of cash this week so we'd like you to donate. Don't worry about needing a credit card because we'll just take it right out of your bank account! It's Easy! For every $100 donation we'll send you a Growbama t-shirt to remind you to do your duty and plant a vegetable garden. You know, folks, we all need our vegetables and since the Earthquake in California and the secession of the South, those of us up here in the North need some fresh produce now and then to stay healthy. If you donate $200 you'll get a dvd of all of my speeches up to and including last week's speech at Disneyland wherein I said we'd have to tax those crazy balloons with the colored Mickey inside the clear balloon. And that reminds me, kids, open up those penny banks and donate to my daughters' 2032 election campaign...
Dear God in Heaven, I thought, where's my tv program? Gimme anything, even Bass Fishing. I tried changing channels again but it was no hope.
We have a new sponsor this week and it's California Composting Toilets, The waterless watercloset that makes you feel good about doing your business! For every $5000 donation you'll get one of these babies and they come in three colors--ochre, burnt ochre, and red! And remember when you've earned 60,000 tattle points you will get your own biodiesel machine. Imagine! You'll be the envy of your neighborhood. When it arrives via mule train and it sits in your driveway, your neighbors will ooh and aah. (chuckle) That is if your neighbors are still talking to you! Call now, unionized operators are waiting.
Well, we Marines don't take these kinds of shenanigans lightly. I started getting mighty fierce and both Ralph and Lester looked up from their respective cushions. I picked up the phone and dialed 1-800-Sucker! to give B.O. a piece of my mind.
What's that? We have a caller? Put him on. Hello Mr. Fentwanker...
It's Fentwanger, there's a "g" in it bub
Oh, I'm sorry. Do you have a naughty neighbor you'd like to tell on?
No, I just want to watch fly-fishing and give you a piece of my mind, junior--
(Attention, Van Driver 62 in sector 17.3, go to caller's house ASAP.)
Now I think what you're doing, son, is plain unAmerican. Garnishing people's wages to pay for cockamamie government programs like "Green Cars for Colorful People" and "DIY Surgery Kits" is just plain wrong. Think about it.
I'm sorry Mr. Fentwanker, your call is breaking up. Those solar powered phone towers just don't want to work after dark! Folks, next up is the Final Round of the Saul Alinsky poetry slam and I've got Lateef Schwartz number one in my bracket!!!!!
My tv went black and then there was someone banging at my door. Ralph started barking. He's a small dog, but he's tough. Lester's fur rose up along his spine. I got my Benelli shotgun and peeked around the curtain and lo and behold there was a pack of clowns setting up tents in the yard. Good luck to them, I thought, because it's tornado season and after that comes mosquito season. And those bozos can't shut down my power supply because I've got my own generator and a moat filled with deadly seasnakes. That's all for now, N.J. Fentwanger, USMC, Retired